Shopping: The Horror
by Bird That Flies At Dawn
Summary: What happens when Alice suddenly decides to go shopping? Bella goes to jail, Rosalie wants to punch a pole, and Alice gains an obsession with mythical creatures. CRACKFIC
1. Chapter 1

***I'm introducing a new story to fanfiction. It's called ****Shopping: The Horror****. I hope you like it.**

Jasper POV

Bella, Rosalie, and I were sitting on the couch watching some super stupid TV show that only they would want to watch. When I asked if we could change the channel Rosalie said that if I touched the remote she would bite my fingers off. I took her threat seriously, because Rosalie had done things like that before. I would much rather be with Alice at the computer, but she said that she wanted to be alone. It was probably just as boring, but it was still better than hearing Bella and Rosalie scream about what was happening on the television.

"Yes!" Alice screamed, obviously finding something she liked online.

"No!" Bella and Rosalie shouted when the main character got into a car accident.

"Yeah!" Alice screamed at the top of her lungs. I gave them all a strange look. What was with all of the screaming and yelling?

"Shut up!" the Uber Evil TV Twins screamed.

"We're going shopping!" Alice exclaimed.

"Let us finish this show!" Rosalie shouted at her.

"S-H-O-P-P-I-N-G!" she chanted.

"Fine, tape the show on the DVR," Bella said.

When Alice turned around Bella tried to sneak out the window. Alice ran over to her and grabbed her by the waist. They were pretty even since Bella was stronger, but Alice planted her feet on either side of the window and put a determined face on.

"I don't want to go! I don't want to go! I don't want to go!" Bella repeated over and over again.

"You're going! You're going!" Alice shouted.

"No! No! No!"

"Yes! Yes! Yes!"

"Are you going to force me to go?" Bella asked Alice.

"Yes," Alice answered.

Bella sighed. "Then I guess I'm going."

"We're going to the Seattle Mall," Alice said leading us out of the house.

I sighed and followed after Bella and Rosalie. Even though this was probably going to be an experience that none of us—except maybe Alice—would want to look back on, at least I didn't have to watch that horrible TV show any more.

***Yea! I hope you like this story! I know this was kind of short, but the other chapters might be longer. Anyway, please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Second chapter. I know that your all thinking FINALLY…yeah sorry….I don't really have a good excuse….anyway….On with the story!

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Bella: Don't you just mean you own nothing from the Twilight Saga?

Me: Uh...sure…Why'd you have to go all technical on me!

Bella: 'Cus I did.

**Bella POV**

I swear, if Alice drags me into one more store….

"OOOO! Let's shop here!" Alice danced around in circles, her unicorn horn bouncing up and down.

"Why did you buy that stupid unicorn headband anyway?" I asked, not really wanting to know the answer.

"I heard that mythical creatures are going into style!" Alice shouted, overly excited like one of those unhouse-broken puppies.

"What are you reading, because I'm sure that's not what they meant?" I gave her a WHAT THE HECK? face, but she seemed not to notice, running into the stores selling clothing and other crap from the Middle Ages anyway.

I'm seriously starting to think that Alice is lost to the world. No one else looked too happy either. Jasper kept giving her fake smiles, not wanting to disappoint her. Rosalie looked like she was about to punch a pole, and her normal face said karate chop a piece of wood, but now she was on to beating up metal? This was getting serious!

"Uh, Alice? You think that it might be time to go home now?" I asked, spotting another window as my plan B.

"No! We just got here!" she yelled, causing heads to turn in our direction curiously.

"It's been four flippin' hours! I need a hackin' break!" I screamed as loudly as I could.

My scream was like this ! except multiplied by ten.

That was when the security guard stepped in. He spoke to me, "I'm going to have to ask you to come with me for breaking math protocol."

"What protocol?" I snapped, totally annoyed mostly because of Alice.

"I don't really know," he responded, "but, you're causing a disturbance."

And that is how I got caught by a security guard in the Seattle mall for yelling at the top of my lungs, something I very much suggest you do not do.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: I know that this story had really short chapters, but I'm probably going to upload enough to make up for that.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the security guard!**

**Bella POV**

I watched the security guard who was dumber than a pole. "Hey earlier when you said math protocol did you mean mall protocol?"

"No," he said.

I just stared at him, finally thinking that the whole world had gone mental. "Anyway…"

"Want a donut?" he asked innocently, not knowing that I was a vampire.

"Uh, no thanks." I almost wrinkled my nose up at the smell of the food, but that would probably set off one of his inner security guard alarms.

"Eat it or I'm calling the police." He held out a glazed donut.

I had no choice but to take the donut and scarf it down, trying not to gag. This was so not going to be a pleasant experience when it made its reappearance later.

I stared at the security guard, waiting for him to something other than stuff donuts into his mouth, but that didn't seem to be happening. "Hey, dude. Take a rest. You're gonna flippin' give yourself a heart attack from all that junk food."

"That's it! I'm calling the police!"

**Alice POV**

I want this and this and this and this. Oh, I love dragons. What about imps? Well might as well grab that shirt. OOOO, pants! I love unicorn pants! What about other creatures! Other creatures! I don't want to be behind the trend.

"Hey, don't you think we should go and find Bella?" Jasper asked, breaking my train of thought.

I rounded on him. "I was trying to think!"

Jasper leaned away from me. "Uh, sorry."

Rosalie then voiced her opinion. "If we don't get Bella Edward will have our heads."

"We'll get her when we're done shopping," I concluded, leaving no more room for argument.

Yay! Shopping!


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: I'm loving writing this story, and not a lot of people are interested in it. :( Oh well! Loving it anyway!**

**Disclaimer: Yea, Twilight is not mine, but tell S.M. not to brag!**

**Bella POV**

WOW. A jail cell. The police actually threw me into a jail cell! It was that doughnut-eating oaf's fault! Why they would believe his story, I'll never know. The real question was where were my supposed family?

**Edward POV**

"Go! Go! Go!" I shouted as Emmett wrestled the grizzly bear. Something about the messy hunting reminded me of Bella. I wonder what she's doing...

**Carlisle POV**

I sat on the couch, Esme by my side. My eyes were trained on the sophisticated words of a famous classic. Esme was watching a show where they renovate houses. As a read an outstanding line in my book where the main characters try to kill each other, I thought about our adopted children. I wonder what they're doing...

**Alice POV**

I grabbed an ogre headband off of the shelf. Now I would have an extra eye in the middle of my forehead! Whoo hoo! I'm so ahead of the fashion trend! As I saw an ugly imp statue I thought about Bella. I wonder what she's doing...

**Jasper POV**

I watched Rosalie as she ran next to me. Her expression screamed bloody murder. Alice wanted to stay and shop and we had totally had enough, but she wouldn't give us the keys to the car, so we had been forced to run home. She had promised that she would get news about Bella and bring her home when she was done shopping. I really hoped she lived up to that commitment. Something about Rosalie's anger and Alice's pixie-like-ness remided me of Bella. I wonder what she's doing...


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Yes, updating nonstop is very COOL!**

**Disclaimer: yupyup**

**Security Guard POV**

Haha! I won! That amzingly beautiful out of my leauge girl is in prison! Oh darn! I just had a thought. I should have sent her to the asylum instead! All her screaming really would have convinced them!

I grabbed another doughnut, but dropped it when a pain suddenly shot through my chest. I was having a heartattack! That girl was right! I then fell into a world of blackness.

**Bella POV**

My inner vampire senses told me that the security guard had had a heartattack! Ha ha, he deserved it! That was when some weird goth dude walked up to me.

"Hey. Wanna?" he asked, a look of boredom and death written on his face.

"No," I replied, my tone flat and final.

"Please?"

He was getting really irritating and I nearly growled at him. "NO!"

He narrowed his eyes at my and turned on the heel of his foot, very unhappy about getting turned down by someone way way hotter than he could ever be.

I sighed. This was going to be a long wait before someone got me out of here. I just knew it.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: My AN for this chapter is a word that makes no sense. Flibbavangoffsanhoggen.**

**This chapter is dedicated to my friend, Jordyn Lyn P. Look her up on facebook and annoy her, and then tell her that her friend C-a told you about her. That's how much I love you Jordyn. *Runs and gives her an awesomely friendly hug. She is jjismyname98 on youtube, but has yet to release any videos. **

**Disclaiming: I own nothing Twilight, but I do own the word Flibbavangoffsanhoggen.**

**Goth Guy POV**

My wanna, she should have said yes to that. It doesn't matter that she's like so hot that she's out of my league...goth thoughts goth thoughts...or that she has a wedding ring on her finger. No, none of that matters. She should have said yes anyway! I stare at her now, because her denial of our love makes me like her even more!

**Bella POV**

I could feel the weirdo goth's eyes staring at my back, and I was totally sick of him. I turned around and glared at him and gave him the finger. He gave me an attempt at looking sexy and gave me the finger back.

"That's it!" I walked up to him, and he looked totally victorious, but then I kicked him where it hurts most. He fell to the floor in pain and I smiled at his suffering.

**Alice POV**

OOOO! I grabbed about a dozen things and tried them all on. Of couse I loved them all! Magical creatures! Hehe! I grabbed my two cartloads of mythical creature crap (it was totally awesome crap) and headed to the checkout counter. It took about thirty minutes to check everything out, and the bill was $5,523.

I loaded everything back up and walked out of the Mythical Creature Crap store. As I left the mall I felt as if I had forgotten something...


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: This is my only story that isn't all dark and depressing, so it's definitely different for me and I'm having fun with it! Yay!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Twilight characters, but I plan on keeping Edward and Jacob and making them fight each other for Bella.**

**Bella: *fuming* You better not!**

**Me: Uh…You can keep them! *runs and hides in corner***

**Bella: That's what I thought.**

**Me: By the way, Flibbavangoffsanhoggen.**

**Bella POV**

I was literally banging my head on the jail cell poles. It probably looked strange to everyone that passed and to the others in the cell, but this place was driving me insane. That weirdo goth guy was still staring at me. Does he never learn? The two guys in the back corner were fist fighting like nuts, but were total sissies and hadn't given a blow to the other that had done any real damage. The girl in the middle of the floor was laughing hysterically and I was pretty sure that someone should call an asylum.

Just then a police man walked by. "Hey if you two really want to fight, take a real swing instead of those little girly jabs!"

The men in the corner nodded and started fighting with new viciousness. They also threw a few insults in just to live up to their supposedly insulted "manliness".

My mouth was hanging open in shock. Did the police man really just tell the men to fight harder? Shouldn't he have broken up the fight? This must be the most chaotic jail in the country!

The girl on the floor started laughing harder as the violence rose to a new level. Wasn't she out of breath by now? It had to have been about two hours since I was thrown in here and she was laughing then. I was really considering knocking her unconscious.

The goth guy's eyes were going to burn a hole right threw me. I glared at him, metaphorical daggers shooting out of my eyes. He still didn't take the hint and winked at me instead of turning around like a good little goth dude. He was really starting to get on my nerves now! I just decided to give up on him for the time being and started banging my head on the wall, but not hard enough to bust a hole in it because I figured that would probably blow our cover.

I really hope someone gets me out of here soon.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: I know that my chapters are really short, but if you haven't noticed that I'm updating quickly and uploading a lot of chapters, realize it now. I just feel like this story is easier for me to write in small burst-like chapters.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters, but I am using them in this fanfiction.**

**Bella POV**

I finally got out of jail, but not in the way I had hoped. I was starting to think this was worse than being with the security guard, or with the loons in that jail cell. Someone finally had called the asylum for that insane chick. The problem was not only did they take her, but all of us. I think the bloody two in the back set them off that nothing was right with the cell we were in, and they would be correct. The most horrible part was that they set me next to that goth dude. As if that weren't enough, when I struggled and tried to sit somewhere else they put me in a straight jacket!

I was now seriously considering tearing apart my family when I next saw them. The goth dude gave me a wink and I just continued to glare at him as I had been doing for the past twenty minutes of the ride to this "special" asylum.

The car ambulance thing they had thrown us into finally stopped, and I sucked in a breath of relief, only to then be thrown onto the floor by one of the "guards". Wow, they were so overdoing it. I didn't even fight back, but just yawned as they picked me back up.

The girl led me by the arm into a tall hospital-like building. I turned my eyes upward, looking at the ugly painted ceiling. What did they do? Take a friggin' jackhammer painter to it? It wasn't like the splashed primer or whatever type of look. No, the ceiling was just uneven and hideous looking atop this building. What torture it must be for the insanees here.

They threw me into a room with the other inmates and a few other people who appeared truly out of their minds. One guy was screaming as loud as he could at nothing and for apparently no reason. Another girl was skipping in circles and then falling to the floor dizzily, only to get up and do it again.

Had my life really become this bizarre? Obviously it had.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Yay! Another chapter!**

**Disclaimer: Yup, I own nothing!**

**Bella POV**

Did they not get the point that I wasn't insane? They hadn't even taken the straight jacket off of me! Even worse the goth guy had decided it was okay to sit next to me and send me flirting glances. It was so not anywhere near alright!

"If you don't turn those staring little eyes of yours away I will tear them out of your head with my teeth!" I finally shouted, trying to get him away from me. Anywhere but next to me!

He gave me one of his 'this is supposed to be sexy' looks. I rolled my eyes. That's when he went too far. He put his hand on my butt. I narrowed my eyes, thinking for a split second before making my decision. I launched myself at the goth dude, screaming and struggling, fighting without my arms to aid me.

"You creepy, ignorant, stupid, perverted…."my list went on and on as I shouted insults at him.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What the heck?" was his response.

Even though I got to attack him, I still had to hold back so that I didn't blow my vampire family's cover and make them suffer for my actions.

"…weirdo, truly insane, dumb, ugly, pansy of a goth I've ever seen!" I took a breath and glared at the goth under me.

"Wow…you're way hotter than I thought! So defiant!" He uttered with awe.

I thrashed at him in a new rage. That blockhead! He thought that…actually I have no idea what he was thinking, because that certainly made no sense to me!

Some of the guards ran over to us and pulled us apart. I glowered unhappily, but let the guards do it. The girl started laughing again and I sighed, this was a serious mess.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: Sorry everyone out there! My computer must truly hate me as Bella hates that goth dude!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the original Twilight characters, but the others, they ARE mine!**

**Alice POV**

I skipped into the house, about half of the bought items hung over my shoulders in plastic bags. "Hey, guys!"

Heads turned and eyes met mine. They then looked around me. Jasper finally asked, "Uh, Alice…Where's Bella?"

"Bella?" I let the name roll off my tongue. I thought for a moment and then remembered. "Oh yeah! Bella! Where is she?"

"What do you mean where is she? You were supposed to bring her back with you!" Rosalie accused angrily.

"I was? I don't remember agreeing to that." I tilted my head to the side slightly, trying very hard to remember my past conversations, but I couldn't bring up that promise.

"You wouldn't let us take the car, so we had to run home, but before we left we made you say that you would get Bella when you were done shopping," Rosalie reminded her unthinking sister.

"Oh! I remember now! Only one problem. I don't have any idea where she is now," I pointed out, making it quite clear that our search was going to be harder than originally planned.

I heard Jasper sigh. I let my eyes wander over to him just as Emmett slapped him on the back and said, "Well, this should be interesting."


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: The eleventh chapter! Yay! Random thoughts!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight Alice would be way more awesomely hyper!**

**Bella POV**

I was seriously considering getting myself out of here despite having to use my vampire strength. At least they put me in a room away from that nutso goth. I mean seriously, come on. How is trying to kill somebody hot…especially to the person you are trying to kill!

I faced the wall and again began banging my head on it. My family was so abusive! I just had to get dragged to the mall with the others. Then a security guard called the police on me, why they ever believed him I'll never know! Now I'm here.

Just then one of the "guards" entered the room. "I'm here to take you to the cafeteria for dinner."

I sighed, and then stepped next to her. We walked to the large room with many tables. Some of the people were throwing food at each other…and even themselves. The one girl was still laughing. Of course. The guard set me done at a table which unfortunately was the table directly in front the odd goth who happened to be staring at me now. I glared at him as a tray was set in front of me. "Here, eat this."

I stared at the food, and remembered the doughnut the security guard had forced me to eat—I wondered if that was even legal. That was when the food from earlier decided to make its appearance. Oh well. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. On the down side, the guards overreacted and took me to the emergency wind of the asylum. Well this was doomed to go horribly.


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: I'm not really even sure where this story is going…is that bad? By the way I kind of need some help with Bella's revenge plan, so if you have any ideas that you are willing to give me…thank you!**

**Disclaimer: Disclaiming the usage of stuff…that way random rabid lawyers won't attack me.**

**Bella POV**

Are you serious! They're going to use a defibrillator on me! Are they insane! Oh yeah, they think I'm the insane one…I'm going to kill the other Cullens…if that is their real name.

"Um…can you not shock me with that please?" I kindly and innocently asked the nurse.

"Ahhh! It talked. It's a zombie!" She proceeded to throw the defibrillator at my head. A shock coursed through my body, and having flammable vampire skin, I was afraid I was going to catch fire. Luckily that didn't happen. "Ahhh! It really is a zombie! Otherwise it'd be unconscious on the floor!"

"I'm not a zombie! I hope they send you to the Looney bin 'cause I'm out!" With that I leaped out of the asylum window, landing about forty feet below. A stood out of my crouch and strolled into the nearby forest.

My revenge on my family was going to be amazing! They were going to regret ever having forced me to go shopping, and they likely will never leave me alone in a room with Alice again! Perfect!

Now a plan…

With that thought, a sudden idea popped into my head, and I felt my mental light bulb flicker on.


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: OML! I haven't updated in a while! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! **

**Disclaimer: As long as the rapture is a load of BS then I don't own Twilight… **

**Bella POV**

After wandering for about…six hours…I had found them. I had especially found the one that was likely not to survive. Alice. I crept up behind a nearby tree. Knowing Alice, she wouldn't spot me if the wind was blowing in her direction, I was standing in front of her, and there was a large flashing, Vegas-like sign that was pointing in my direction.

She was skipping and humming some song way off beat. I nearly covered my ears and screeched a prayer to God that she would stop her incessant and horrible humming. I mean come on. We're vampires. We're supposed to be all beautiful and magnificent. Right then, someone would easily mistake Alice for a possessed pixie, but if you mentioned the word vampire they'd hit you over the head with a lamp and haul you to the asylum. Yeah, my imagination has started to become really violent and particularly strange.

Anyway, I crouched feet from Alice, ready to pounce when she skipped in front of me. One, two three…she was directly in front of me. With a snarl I threw myself at her. I was sure that her scream would be heard for miles.


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: I haven't updated in a while, so I decided to give you guys a double update! I love reviews and leprechauns, so if you give me either of those I'll give you a free hug! **

**Disclaimer: Really! I don't own Twilight! It's not as if I haven't impersonated S.M. once…twice…Okay, eleven times, but if the police ask you heard nothing!**

**Third Person POV**

**One Mile Away**

"Hey, what's for lunch?" One man asked another. They were sitting on a barrel of hay, waiting for the horses to come in from the field.

"I don't know." The second man shrugged. Just then a horrible screeching sound echoed through the clearing.

"Oh My Fake Rapture! What the heck is that?" The first man screamed, covering his ears.

"Metal music gone wrong?" asked the second one, using the question as a reply.

The two men fell to the ground, covering their ears and writhing in pain.

**Six Miles Away**

Two women were cooking pie. One of the women said, "Wow! It smells so nice!"

The second women nodded. "It sure does."

It was then that Alice's scream reached them. It wasn't really painful, just an annoying nuisance. The first women sighed. "I bet Bob bought another bomb."

The second women nodded. "He probably did. He's probably preparing for the end of the world."

The first woman was confused with that. "Wasn't that supposed to be yesterday at six p.m.?"

The second women shook her head. "No. That was just a scam for money, made up by some fake-religious mental guy."

"Oh. So then he's waiting for the end of the world to be when?" The first women asked.

"Who knows? There'll probably be a new prediction by tomorrow."

**Somewhere on the Other Side of the World**

A man and a woman sat on a bench next to each other. The man held a newspaper in his hand while the woman was on her cell phone. A low humming sound reached their ears and they looked around confusedly before turning to each other.

The women asked, "Con seema no re dona cartha?"

The man answered as he shook his head, obviously confused, "Dor no hona ro duflutho. Can das faran yo theepa?"

The two then stood up and started to do the chicken dance.

**AN: Does the chicken dance make you wonder what the heck they were saying? Yes, even I wonder what the heck passed between them in that conversation…**


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: Thank you to everyone who reviewed and added this story! I really appreciate it! I'm hugging your virtual presence right now! Well this story is wrapping up, but it's not quite over! I hope you like the last few chapters! If you want me to make a sequel I have an idea of what I might do. Review and let me know!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight would you even be reading this disclaimer?**

**Alice POV**

I looked up into the eyes of Bella. She had me pinned to the ground and was snarling into my face, but what made me scream was that she ripped my shirt. It was an awesome shirt too. It was yellow with a pink unicorn on it. Darn it! Bad Bella! Bad! I whined, "You ripped my shirt."

Bella responded, "You got me looked up in an asylum."

"Uhhh…." I had no idea what to say to that. "Want a waffle?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "Where are you even going to get a waffle?"

"The waffle store?" I asked.

Bella just shook her head. "Don't ever force me to go shopping again."

"Uh, okay. Can we go get waffles?" I questioned hopefully.

Bella sighed. "After we go home and get the others. Heck, I've already gone to jail so we might as well rob Wal-Mart."

"Yay! Waffles!" I screamed.

Bella just sighed again as she let me up. We started to run home, ready to get the others and steal some waffles!


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: This is the last chapter for Shopping: The Horror! Review and let me know if you want a sequel!**

**Disclaimer: Disclaiming Twilight is why I am here, so I obviously do not own Twilight.**

**Bella POV**

I walked into the house next to Alice. We had already called everyone so they knew we were coming home, but we didn't expect them to be sitting on the couch waiting for us, nor did we expect them to jump up and pull us into a group hug as soon as we walked into the room.

"Uhhh…guys?" What the heck? I was only gone for like two days.

"We're sorry that we lost you!" Emmett shouted.

I sighed. "It's alright…kinda…but please don't ever force me to go shopping with Alice again. It caused me to get arrested and be sent to an asylum."

They all nodded their heads, smiling…well except for Rosalie, but I'll let that slide. Carlisle spoke up, "I won't make you go shopping if you don't want to."

"Thanks guys!" I said appreciatively.

"Let's go get those waffles now!" Alice exclaimed.

"Where?" Edward asked.

"Oh, we're going to steal them from Wal-mart," I explained to them.

With that we all met eyes and put on evil, plotting grins.


End file.
